


changkyu | the night the stars fell

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, Super Junior
Genre: ChangKyu - Freeform, Gen, also didn't tag everyone in this bc that'd take eons, but yeah have some changkyu, i can't angst so i apologize in advance, my loves forever and always, poor baby chami and his angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 02:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10710048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: Kyuhyun's enlisting and Changmin feels like he's being abandoned.





	changkyu | the night the stars fell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Duet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2605268) by [madamteatime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamteatime/pseuds/madamteatime). 



> Thank you to my lovely betas, Debs and Rin! I couldn't have done this without your guidance and encouragement :3
> 
> And yes, one of the lines/situations is a direct reference to madamteatime's fic "Duet", which is linked below.

The day that Kyuhyun enlists, Changmin wakes up in a horrible mood. He hadn't slept well the night before, tossing and turning on his military standard-issue mattress in the barracks. That wake up call had come too early and had jolted him out of a REM cycle, leaving him disoriented and crabby. He'd dragged himself out of bed dutifully and trudged to wash up and pull on his uniform, trying not to let his irritation show.  
  
He sits at breakfast with the rest of his squadron. Siwon sets his tray down on the table next to him before sitting down with a sigh. "So today's the day, huh?" he says softly.  
  
"Mm," Changmin mumbles back around a mouthful of porridge. Not like he needs any reminders. At times, days in the army seem to blend together until the soldiers start counting the days by numbers instead of using their proper names. This day, however, Changmin had been dreading for weeks and had given it not a name or a number, but a curse word that would make his mother’s ears burn.  
  
"I talked to him a few days ago and he sounded okay," Siwon continues. "Of course he's ready for it to be over already like all of us are."  
  
"Yeah," Changmin replies. So far, the only person he knows who had actually enjoyed his enlistment had been Yunho, but that came as no surprise. He’d gotten to perform, make new friends, and learn new things, a veritable _dream_ for Yunho.  
  
“Have you talked to him lately?” Siwon asks.  
  
"I talked to him last night."  
  
"How did he sound?“  
  
"Not... stellar," Changmin replies, and it's the truth.  
  
***

Once they had finished drills the day before, Changmin had made a beeline for the bank of telephones available for calling out. He'd selected a booth on the very end and locked himself in the tiny cubicle before dialing the number he knew by heart.  
  
"Hey," he said softly, once the operator connected them.  
  
"Hey yourself," the familiar voice replied on the other end.  
  
It seemed so trivial to ask how he was doing, especially when Changmin already knew the answer, but he asked anyway.  
  
"I've got my things packed up and mostly moved into the new place," Kyuhyun said. He'd told Changmin a few weeks before that he was planning to move out of the dorms when he enlisted. All of the managers he still lived with planned on doing the same thing. Of course, Kyuhyun was just moving down the hall directly across from Changmin, but the whole process still added another layer of melancholy.  
  
"Really, you should've just moved in with me," Changmin said with a chuckle. They had actually discussed it briefly. Changmin had already known he'd be spending a good chunk of time in Japan after his discharge and would hardly be around anyways, but Kyuhyun had declined. "You're too tidy," he'd said with a laugh. "And I'd get sick of you too quickly." They had decided that across the hall would be just fine.  
  
"Yeah," Kyuhyun said. He paused. "Basic training isn't as bad as everyone says it is, right?"  
  
Changmin grimaced. He wanted to lie and tell Kyuhyun that it won’t be. He wanted to assuage all the fears of his best friend and reassure him that of course everything will be painless, but he had never tried to bullshit Kyuhyun and had promised that he never will. "You'll survive," he said simply.  
  
"Enlistment really isn't a big deal," Kyuhyun replied, trying to convince himself of a lie he didn't believe. "Every guy in Korea has done it or will do it. It's just my turn."  
  
"But that doesn't mean it's easy," Changmin said softly. His heart wrenched inside his chest at the sound of Kyuhyun's wavering voice. More than anything, he wished he could be there for Kyuhyun: to take him out for drinks the night before, to stand by him while he greets the fans, to drive with him out to the training camp, to hug him goodbye while promising to write. All the things that Kyuhyun had done for him when he'd enlisted that had made leaving that much easier.  
  
But he couldn’t.  
  
Changmin gripped the receiver and leaned against the side of the phone box. He had tried to get Kyuhyun's enlistment date off, but some high-ranking officer would be visiting their division that day and all soldiers were expected to be in attendance. "I wish I could be there."  
  
"Same," Kyuhyun replied. Changmin could hear his voice shake but it strengthened as he continued, "Would've been wonderful to have my beautiful girlfriend and dumb best friend to send me off, but instead I get two crazy old men, Leeteuk and Heechul."  
  
Changmin snorted. "I would've thought the whole gang was going."  
  
"Mercifully, they have schedules. And hopefully Heechul will at least keep Leeteuk from blubbering about how I'm all grown up or some garbage like that," Kyuhyun replied. "My mom already did that."  
  
"So did mine," Changmin said. "I think she cries enough for the both of us even though she sees me more now than she usually does."  
  
"Right?"  
  
"You know, with you out of the picture, I can monopolize your mom's love and affection," Changmin informed him.  
  
"By love and affection do you mean cooking and leftovers?" Kyuhyun asked.  
  
Changmin just snickered into the phone. "Precisely," he said. They both chuckled together before Changmin said, "I'll be out soon and then I'll have all the time in the world to come visit you."  
  
There was a pause, and then Kyuhyun asked quietly, “When do you leave for Japan?"  
  
Changmin grimaced. If he was in Korea, then Kyuhyun could see him whenever he was on break. Getting permission to leave the country to fly to Japan and attend a concert would now require permission from his commanding officer and several sets of paperwork, not just a quick call to the airlines. Things wouldn’t be so easy, as Changmin had found out when he’d been unable to attend any of Kyuhyun’s concerts in Japan.  
  
Ironically, he missed Japan more than he had expected and could only imagine what anxiety will await him when he returns, but he shoved all of that away and focused on his best friend. “Not sure, but probably not until the fall. I'll let you know as soon as I hear,” Changmin said. He hoped it wouldn’t soon but the company was ready to make money.  
  
"Okay," Kyuhyun replied. "Speaking of, how are you supposed to call me if I'm in the army too?"  
  
There was a sinking feeling in Changmin's chest. He hadn't considered this aspect, mainly because he had just assumed Kyuhyun wouldn't enlist until the winter, after he himself had been discharged when it wouldn’t be an issue.  
  
When he didn't respond, Kyuhyun asked, "What do you and Yunho do?"  
  
Another pang went through Changmin's heart. Regrettably, he and Yunho hadn't really figured out that aspect of being enlisted at the same time. They'd relied on their mutual friends and family to pass messages from the other and worked their breaks out accordingly. Sure, it had been troublesome, but they'd managed. He told Kyuhyun about this makeshift arrangement, grateful that as a public service officer, Kyuhyun will have more freedom in his off hours to make real calls.  
  
They talked for a few minutes longer before the operator broke in, informing them they only have two minutes remaining on their collect call. Changmin could hear Kyuhyun sniffling on the other end as he came to grips with the reality that his best friend wouldn’t be there in the morning to send him off. Changmin took a deep breath before saying goodbye to Kyuhyun, tears choking his throat. Kyuhyun responded in a similar fashion, urging Changmin to stay healthy like always. When the call disconnected, Changmin kept the receiver to his ear for a few moments more, realizing that this was the last time he'll hear his friend's voice for a good, long while.  
  
After that, Changmin had let himself out of the phone booth before heading for the barracks to finally shower and change. He'd stood at the bathroom sink rubbing shaving cream on his face and remembering the day he had enlisted. The only picture he had in his mind was the image of his best friend waving goodbye, with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.  
  
***

"Are you going to eat your kimchi?" Donghae asks from across the table, jolting him out of his reverie. Changmin shakes his head and pushes the tray towards Donghae's waiting chopsticks. He knows the Super Junior boys had already had their send-off for Kyuhyun the week before. As far as they're concerned, Kyuhyun has been in the army for days now.  
  
The high ranking officer makes his appearance after breakfast, and Changmin doesn't even have a chance to check the televisions in the common areas for any news of Kyuhyun's enlistment. Instead, he's forced to sit in the front row with Siwon and Donghae and pretend like he's paying complete attention to the officer's speech. In truth, the man is incredibly dull, which gives Changmin's mind plenty of time to wallow in his foul mood.  
  
He wonders what Kyuhyun's shaved head will look like. Kyuhyun had informed him that he would not be shaving his head until he absolutely had to, and Changmin understands the sentiment. Kyuhyun's had the same haircut for nearly as long as Changmin has known him, and Changmin knows that's one of the aspects of military life Kyuhyun is looking forward to the least. He smiles to himself: Everyone has to go through the same thing.  
  
The rest of the morning is taken up with this officer's dull assembly and the afternoon is spent running drills like usual. The exercise temporarily distracts him from the events of the outside world and lifts his mood considerably. They'll be shooting again tomorrow, and Changmin always finds that interesting. Maybe they'll have a mission card or something when they get back so he can finally succeed at something for once.  
  
But then they finish for the day and are excused for a short break. As always, Changmin delays his shower in favor of running towards the phone banks, dialing Kyuhyun's number without a second thought. Changmin waits as the operator tries to connect the parties and fiddles with a speck of dust on the phone console.  
  
"I'm sorry, the party you are trying to reach is not responding," the operator says. "Would you like to try again?"  
  
And that's when Changmin realizes.  
  
_Kyuhyun is gone._

***

That night, Changmin lies awake again. He’d heard from Siwon who had talked to Sungmin who had told him that everything had gone smoothly that morning and that Kyuhyun had arrived at the training camp safely. Changmin knows he should feel more at ease but his anxiety gnaws at his stomach anyway. He tries to will the thoughts away but his brain insists on reminding him that anything can happen while Kyuhyun is at basic training. Changmin remembers Donghae coming down with enteritis his first few weeks and chicken pox the next, and he can only imagine what diseases Kyuhyun will contract while he’s away. Kyuhyun has always gotten sick easily, and Changmin has spent more than one night nursing him back to health.  
  
But now…  
  
Changmin sighs and shifts onto his side. When they were younger, they had talked about enlisting together. They’re the same age after all, so it should have been a non-issue. But then the accident and the split and the changing timetables and… and it hadn’t happened. He had wanted to enlist soon after Yunho left anyways, and Kyuhyun still had too many schedules to take a break. Besides, they wouldn’t have been able to enlist in the same unit anyways. Kyuhyun had known that the day he’d woken up in the hospital missing two centimeters from his pelvis.

***

Nothing had been worse than getting that call. Not the day he’d enlisted. Not the day he’d twisted his ankle while dancing. Not the anxiety attacks back in the early days of his career. Not even the day he and Yunho had found out about the other three jumping ship. Nothing.  
  
Changmin remembers walking out of the bathroom where he had found the manager talking with the other members, grave expressions on all their faces. The boys all stood huddled together, and Changmin hurried over, thinking he’s late for a schedule.  
  
Instead, he heard Junsu ask, “Is Hyukjae alright?”  
  
“As far as we know, he’s fine,” the manager replied. “A few lacerations, but nothing serious.”  
  
_Lacerations?_ Changmin thought to himself. Aloud he asked, “Did something happen?”  
  
They all turned to him, realizing that their youngest had joined the conversation. The manager grimaced and said, “Some of the Super Junior members were in a car accident last night. Hyukjae and Donghee seem to be fine, but Jungsoo is in surgery for his injuries and Kyuhyun,” the manager took a breath, “Kyuhyun’s in bad shape.”  
  
“How bad?” Changmin asked, his voice hardly louder than a whisper. His heart pounded in his chest as his brain raced a million miles an hour. Kyuhyun was his closest friend in the company, outside of the members. Changmin couldn’t really explain it, but they just seemed to understand each other. Maybe it was because they were the same age in the same company attending the same university and holding the same role in each of their groups, or maybe it was because Changmin felt like he could actually talk to Kyuhyun about everything, knowing that he would actually listen, unlike some of his bandmates. Changmin couldn’t really explain it. He and Kyuhyun had clicked right from the beginning and that had been that.  
  
The manager exhaled and said slowly, “There’s only a 20% chance he’ll make it through the next couple of hours.”  
  
“He was sitting in the front seat and he was thro--” Jaejoong began, but Yunho cut him off. “He’ll make it, Changmin,” he said gently.  
  
Changmin stared at the others, not wanting to believe what he’d just heard. “20% chance?” he repeated in a whisper. He leaned against the wall and tried to force himself to breathe properly.  
  
“That’s all I know right now,” the manager said. “I’ll… let you know if I hear anything more.”  
  
The others continued talking but Changmin didn’t hear a thing. He just stared into space as his brain tried to comprehend the manager’s words. Before he knew it, he had crumpled to the ground and started sobbing into his hands. He hoped desperately that this was just some terrible dream and that he’d wake up and this wouldn’t be happening…  
  
Changmin had spent the next few days in a state of shock as Kyuhyun went from death’s door to a coma to awake but completely mute. Changmin remembers visiting the hospital and standing outside of Kyuhyun’s hospital room, trying to quiet his tears so Kyuhyun wouldn’t see how scared he really was that he was about to lose his best friend.

***

Even now, the memory still haunts him and he isn’t surprised to find his eyes starting to water. Changmin bites his lip and holds his breath and wills the tears to disappear, not wanting to cry in front of his fellow policemen. That had been the worst day of his life, but thankfully, all of his worries and fears had not come to pass and Kyuhyun is still with him.  
  
Or was. After all, he’s enlisted now too.  
  
Changmin sighs. He really shouldn’t be this torn up about it all. He’s been enlisted for nearly his entire 20-month service period and they’d still seen each other loads. He’d spent most of every single break with Kyuhyun, sprawled out on his floor surrounded by bottles of wine and game controllers. They’d done everything and nothing all at the same time, sometimes content to just sit and talk. They’d talk for hours about everything imaginable, and Changmin had found himself telling Kyuhyun things he’d never said aloud before.  
  
Besides, he’ll be discharged soon and then their roles will be completely reversed. Kyuhyun will get to spend his breaks and off-hours with Changmin, lounging in Changmin’s apartment, drinking Changmin’s wine, and complaining about his own meager military salary. It will be Changmin receiving the collect calls from the military and it will be Changmin standing on stage telling stories of Kyuhyun’s adventures in oral surgery and encounters with the resident insects of the barracks bathrooms.  
  
But…  
  
But then Changmin will take off for Japan where collect calls won’t reach. He’ll be busy with schedules and won’t be able to arrange to meet Kyuhyun on his breaks. Kyuhyun will hopefully have his phone available on his off-hours but Changmin will be performing at night and…  
  
They’ll make it work. They will. Right?  
  
It had been an adjustment not talking to Kyuhyun every day when Changmin first enlisted. They’d talked nearly every single day for the past ten years and suddenly not having one of his closest friends within kakao distance at all times had felt off. For those first weeks, Changmin had survived, but he had felt he existed several centimeters to the left, feeling constantly off-kilter. It had been weird enough when Yunho had left, but feeling the absence of both simultaneously had been almost too much to bear.  
  
At least he’d had Siwon and Donghae, two familiar faces who he was decently close with. It had been almost uncanny how Siwon had stepped right into the PR role that Yunho always played: always the one to speak for both of them, conduct introductions, and generally act as the bright smiling idol that the world wanted to see. Changmin had been immensely grateful, and he had speculated as to whether or not Yunho had given Siwon instructions to watch over him. The cynical side of him had scoffed at that idea, but the secret side of him that Kyuhyun had once described as “mush” had practically _glowed_ with the mere thought that someone cared enough about him to watch out for him.  
  
To be cared for…  
  
Growing up as the oldest son with two younger sisters, Changmin had always been the one taking care of others, or so he had been tasked. His parents had always reminded him to look after his sisters, to protect his sisters, to walk with his sisters, to watch over his sisters. There had never been any talk of someone watching over him.  
  
So when he’d joined DBSK, it had been disorienting to join a group as the youngest, especially since the other four had all been born the same year. They seemed to all be part of some exclusive club that Changmin hadn’t been allowed to join, simply since he’d been born in 1988 instead of 1986. Honestly, that’s what had made meeting Kyuhyun so much better. He too finally had someone his age instead of always being the maknae.  
  
Of course, there had been some occasions where being the youngest had given him an advantage. The staff had all thought he was the cutest kid and as a result, constantly sneaked snacks and other goodies into his practice bag for him. But more often than not, he’d found himself being ignored, talked over, and picked on.

***

Changmin remembers the one particularly heinous prank involving a camera crew and some sunbae he supposedly had offended. He cringes at the memory, remembering how the staff had pushed him past the other boys in order to apologize. Changmin, unsure of what to do, had let them drag him over to the lady, not noticing the members laughing as he was hustled away.  
  
“I apologize,” Changmin said, bowing hurriedly for the fifth time. His cheeks burned red from embarrassment and shame, but the lady said nothing in reply. She continued chatting with her friend, pretending to ignore Changmin, though he saw her watching him out of the corner of her eye. He continued bowing awkwardly, desperately hoping she would acknowledge him or _something_ so that he could get out of there. He still wasn’t exactly sure what he did wrong, but as a hoobae, it was his duty to apologize and make things right. He bowed again, biting his lip and willing himself not to cry.  
  
Finally, the girl stood up and faced the camera. She started out speaking in a solemn tone but suddenly started to scream excitedly, “ _The maknae got pranked!_ ” Her friend started screaming with her but Changmin just stood there, completely bewildered. He kept fingering the back of his hair awkwardly, not knowing what else to do. He smiled awkwardly at the girls and tried to maintain a happy expression for the camera, but inside his stomach was still in knots. He kept scratching the back of his neck and biting his tongue as he felt the tears well up in his eyes again. He bowed and bowed, even when they tell him it wasn’t necessary.  
  
Finally, the camera disappeared and he let his expression drop. He went back to the hyungs to find them all laughing at his expense. It was then that he started to feel more alone than ever. These four were supposed to be his new family, the ones he spent all of his time with, the one who he was building a future together with, but instead, here they were mocking him and making him feel as small as a speck of dirt.  
  
“It’s just a prank,” they informed him. Changmin didn’t care. It wasn’t funny and he didn’t want to pretend that it was. He stayed quiet the rest of the day, letting the hyungs talk over him like they always did, trying to fade into the background.

***

Changmin sighs. It’s an old memory that shouldn’t still be bothering him, but for some reason it does. Yunho had apologized later that night once he’d seen Changmin still sulking when they’d returned to their dorms. Changmin had forgiven him, but the damage had been done. It was then that Changmin had started to retreat further into himself, erecting walls around his heart to ensure that nothing could hurt him ever again.  
  
At first, it was purely an act self-defense. The hyungs had been teasing him endlessly, the netizens had been vicious in their attacks on any perceived flaw, and as those who supposedly loved him had drifted further and further away, Changmin decided to guard himself, refusing to let anyone see behind the gates where his scared little heart longed for someone to love him.  
  
Then, it became a way of life. He had never liked going out to drink, and then, he stayed in more than ever with his meager supply of cheap beer from the convenience store down the street. The hyungs made fun of him of course, wondering what sort of weird person he must be to drink alone in his dorm room. Changmin didn’t care. The more the hyungs insulted him, the more he avoided them, and the more time he spent simply alone. He had always been an introvert, but this took things to a new level.  
  
Soon, it became his prison as Changmin woke up from yet another anxiety-induced nightmare. He sat up in bed and tried to catch his breath, blinking rapidly to ensure that he was alone in his closet-sized dorm room and not outside being mauled by fans-turned-zombies.  
  
His manager dragged him to therapy the next day and as he sat in front of the therapist, he realized that he had retreated so far into himself that he couldn’t even find the words to express the anguish he felt inside. How did one explain things without feeling silly? He was Shim _Changmin_ , member of Asia’s top boy group DBSK. He shouldn’t be complaining about anxiety or about the hyungs picking on him. He was extremely successful, especially since most of how he’s gotten to where he was could be explained by sheer dumb luck. What right does he have to complain?  
  
The therapist poked and prodded at him, trying to get him to open up to her or to at least explain the terrible nightmares he had been having. He offered half-assed, generic answers along with _things really aren’t that bad, I’m probably just overreacting_ , even though he knew he wasn’t. The therapist continually reassured him that her office was a safe place and that she wanted to help him unravel the causes of his nightmares, but Changmin couldn’t bring himself to believe it. Instead, he tried unsuccessfully to convince the doctor and himself that everything was A-OK.

***

That hadn’t worked, Changmin remembers. The more he had tried to convince himself that everything was fine and that his reactions were what was out of place, the more he had spiraled downward until he felt his anxiety taking over his life.  
  
What had worked had been Kyuhyun dragging Changmin away from everyone else and actually listening to him. They’d been at a party the Super Junior boys had thrown for them and it had been utter chaos, as one could expect. Changmin’s day had been particularly drenched in anxiety and the thought of going to a large, raucous party had been the last thing on his mind.  
  
Changmin walked into the party with the rest of the DBSK boys and immediately wanted to leave. The boys all yelled greetings towards each other and there were hugs and shouts all around. Changmin shrank away from everyone who tried to hug him, feeling incredibly uncomfortable and overwhelmed. On normal occasions, parties like that were fun. He knew the SJ boys well, and they always provided a good time. But tonight…  
  
Tonight, Changmin felt his heart racing in his chest like it might give out any minute. The room felt like a thousand degrees and he could feel himself starting to sweat through his t-shirt. He forced a smile onto his face and tried to walk forward, but his legs shook and his stomach was in knots. He could feel it happening again and it was all he could do not to turn and run.  
  
When this had happened before, he usually found that Yunho would appear out of nowhere, whispering encouragement into his ear and helping him to calm tonight. Now, he watched as Donghae slung his arm around Yunho’s neck and dragged him off for a beer. Changmin felt himself screaming silently for Yunho to come rescue him like he always did, but Yunho didn’t hear his silent screams. Instead, he laughed with the others and popped the top off of his beer.  
  
Changmin felt a pang of guilt and scolded himself for assuming that Yunho had a duty to constantly save him from himself. He knew that Yunho, as the leader, had far more pressure than anyone else and if anything, it should be Changmin saving Yunho from his drive for perfection and constant self-sacrificing. Parties like this were the only places Yunho really had to relax because for once, he wasn’t the leader and wasn’t even close to being the oldest. Supposedly people were always doting on him as the youngest. Why should he demand any more undeserved love and affection?  
  
He felt an arm go around his shoulder and heard Kyuhyun’s voice in his ear. “Are you okay?”  
  
Changmin turned to Kyuhyun and realized his eyes were filling with tears. Kyuhyun immediately pulled him into his arms and held him close. Changmin melted into Kyuhyun’s embrace and sagged against him.  
  
“Let’s get out of here,” Kyuhyun said, not waiting for an answer, and Changmin let Kyuhyun pull him away. They slipped out of the party without being noticed, and Kyuhyun walked him down a flight of stairs to the eleventh floor. He keyed in the passcode to the lock and opened the door to the most beautiful silence Changmin had ever heard.  
  
The door shut behind them and Kyuhyun placed his hands on Changmin’s shoulders. “Breathe,” he instructed.  
  
Changmin took a minute’s worth of long, deep breaths, focusing his eyes on Kyuhyun to center him. Kyuhyun nodded encouragingly as Changmin’s breathing started to normalize. “What’s going on?” he asked softly.  
  
“I’m fine,” Changmin managed to squeak out.  
  
“You’re not fine,” Kyuhyun replied gently. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but I’m here if you do.” And then he fell silent.  
  
_I’m here._  
  
Changmin looked at his best friend who was now gently massaging his shoulders, trying to help Changmin calm down. Kyuhyun hadn’t demanded that he tell him what was going on: he had asked and Changmin knew he would accept whatever answer Changmin wanted to give him. Unlike his therapist, Kyuhyun didn’t force an answer. Unlike the hyungs, he didn’t tease him for crying over what seemed to be nothing. And unlike his other friends, he didn’t ignore the fact that Changmin was most decidedly not okay.  
  
It was at that moment that Changmin realized he had a choice to make. He could continue to fight a war with himself, quite possibly destroying what was left of him in the process, or he could let in the one person he knew who actually cared about him. He felt his heart pound in his chest and a lump form in his throat.  
  
“I’m losing my mind,” Changmin whispered finally, his voice shaky. He looked at Kyuhyun and felt tears welling up in his eyes. “Kyuhyun, I feel like I’m falling apart.”  
  
And that’s when the dam broke. Kyuhyun held him close and Changmin broke down, sobbing against Kyuhyun’s shoulder, clinging to him for dear life. He felt all of the emotions he had kept bottled up for so long suddenly bursting to the surface.  
  
Kyuhyun let Changmin cry himself out until he felt weak and drained of energy, at which point Kyuhyun guided him to the couch and wrapped him in a blanket. He disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a large glass of water, which he motioned for Changmin to drink. He draped a blanket around Changmin’s shoulders and said softly, “I’m sorry it’s been so hard on you.”  
  
“I-I-I shouldn’t be c-c-complaining,” Changmin stuttered.  
  
Kyuhyun rested his arm around Changmin’s shoulders. “It’s okay,” Kyuhyun said.  
  
“The hyungs will scold me for whining,” Changmin said.  
  
Kyuhyun offered a weak smile. “Are you calling me a hyung?”  
  
Changmin weakly swatted at his arm but he took a deep breath and finally told Kyuhyun about the anxiety that had been plaguing him for the past few months: the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the constant jumpiness. Kyuhyun just listened intensively, nodding at appropriate intervals, until Changmin got to the part about the nightmares.  
  
“Do you wake up in a cold sweat, not knowing where you are and desperately praying the dreams aren’t real?” Kyuhyun asked.  
  
Changmin’s eyes grew wide as he nodded solemnly. He felt Kyuhyun relax against him as he said, “So you have them too.”  
  
It was the first of many _You too? I thought I was the only one!_ moments between them, and they both laughed sheepishly as they realized they each had been hiding things they thought no one else would understand. They stayed up late talking, and Changmin had felt the door to his heart click open at the presence of someone who truly understood him. When the hyungs returned later, they found Kyuhyun and Changmin curled up on the sofa together, fast asleep after their long night of tears.  
  
After that night, Changmin had realized that he could tell Kyuhyun things he couldn’t tell anyone else. He learned to share bits of himself little by little with Kyuhyun, offering a small morsel to evaluate whether or not Kyuhyun would start to tease him like the hyungs did.  
  
But when the teasing came, it felt different. Kyuhyun noticed Changmin’s meticulously tidy nature but instead of leaving things around to bother him, he made a conscious effort to be neater. He joked that Changmin was trying to reform him, and Changmin would laugh along. He realized that unlike the hyungs, his relationship with Kyuhyun was between two equals, two kindred spirits, and slowly, he allowed Kyuhyun to lead him out of the prison he’d built for himself.

***

Oh Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun had been the one to draw him out of himself during that time. That had been the first time that Changmin had found someone who matched so perfectly with him. Sure, despite all of their similarities, there were several differences between them, but they had soon found that didn’t matter.  
  
He also remembers Kyuhyun sacrificing the rare free time he had during the DBSK split of 2009, a time where Kyuhyun hardly had a moment to spare, to sit in Changmin’s dorm room while he cried about the whole thing, apologized for crying, and then started up all over again. He’d asked Kyuhyun why he did it. Surely there were far more exciting things to do than watch him blow his nose for the millionth time.  
  
“Because you’re my friend and I care about you,” Kyuhyun had said simply, reaching for another box of tissues.  
  
That simple phrase has stuck with Changmin all these years and gives him comfort even now. At that time, he knew that Kyuhyun couldn’t do anything to bring the others back or to change Changmin’s shitty situation, but he had been there to help him through the whole mess and that’s what mattered.  
  
Changmin releases a breath and relaxes his shoulders, realizing only then that he’d been tensing them unconsciously. He tries to stretch out and relieve his aching muscles, and the shifting helps somewhat. He closes his eyes and wonders if his brain will finally let him sleep. He inhales, exhales, and repeats the process until he’s halfway drifted into dreamland.  
  
But then there’s that thought that pops into his head unannounced that makes his eyes fly open.  
  
_Kyuhyun left you._  
  
Changmin’s shoulders tense up again at the thought and his stomach starts to churn. Worried that he might actually make himself sick, he slips out of bed and stumbles out of the dormitory for the bathroom. On the way, he encounters the leading officer of another squadron and salutes him quickly.  
  
“What are you doing out of bed, soldier?” the officer asks sternly.  
  
“Uh,” Changmin’s mind races, “Gastric distress, sir.” He tries to look appropriately nauseous.  
  
“Ah,” the man relaxes. “As you were.”  
  
Changmin bows and hurries towards the bathrooms, hoping desperately the officer didn’t recognize him. The last thing he needs is for that officer to tell the wrong person that he ran into a celebrity in the corridor experiencing gastrointestinal issues. He can picture the tabloid headlines now: _SHIM CHANGMIN ILL WITH GASTRIC DISTRESS!_  
  
He finds his way to the bathroom and locks himself into one of the stalls. He lowers the toilet seat cover down and perches atop it, leaning down so his head is between his knees. He forces himself to breathe slowly as he runs through the list of anxiety-relieving exercises his therapist had given him (once he had actually admitted to his therapist that he was even dealing with anxiety, that is.)  
  
Of all the things that scare Shim Changmin the most, the top three are gory movies, his parents dying, and the thought of being abandoned. The first two are completely understandable, but the third always strikes him as a little odd. He can’t ever recall an incident from his childhood where someone had left him in such a hurtful manner that it would impact his life today, and he always tries to convince himself that he should be more equipped to deal with the incidents he encountered as an adult.  
  
_Being abandoned…_

***

The incidents started out innocently enough. After joining SM, he spent most of his free time either in sessions with a vocal teacher or in the practice room with the choreographer. Between that and his school work, he hardly had time to sleep let alone spend time with his friends like he used to. But he tried his best because the whole ‘idol’ thing was kind of ridiculous anyways.  
  
But then DBSK officially debuted and Changmin finished out high school by taking his lessons on tour with him. He hardly spent any time in the actual classroom as SM brought in tutors to ensure that his studies didn’t interfere with DBSK’s promotions. By the time he actually did graduate, he had lost most if not all of his friends except for the few who only wanted to buddy him to him for insider info. He attended the graduation ceremony and found, to his chagrin, that the classroom was filled with reporters as well as several disgruntled classmates. He couldn’t really blame them for being upset about the cameras. After all, they were graduating too. Why should he steal the limelight from their hard work?  
  
After the ceremony finished, he awkwardly gathered the embarrassing amount of bouquets left for him and made his way out the door.  
  
“Good,” he heard someone snicker behind him. “I hope you leave for good.”  
  
Changmin’s ears stung with embarrassment as he hurried down the hall, anxious to never look back.  
  
And just like that, his friends from high school vanished.  
  
At the time, the whole thing hadn’t bothered him much. He was meeting so many other new and interesting people that his envious high school ex-friends faded into the distance.  
  
A little while later, one of the managers Changmin was closest to quit without explanation. At first, he was hurt but tried to understand. Everyone had a different path in life and he supposed tending to five idols wasn’t in the manager’s destiny. That was fine. Changmin got it. What he didn’t really understand was why the manager had left without saying goodbye to them, especially to Changmin. He had considered them friends, but apparently not? Changmin tried to convince himself that he shouldn’t be hurt over one person leaving. After all, he was Shim Changmin of DBSK. They had thousands of adoring fans. Why should the absence of one person make a difference to him?  
  
But then they were informed that the manager had actually been fired on account of embezzling and selling their personal information and the others had a fit. Changmin just listened to the others yell and wondered if their entire friendship had been a lie, a devious ploy to get Changmin to give up more of himself so he could sell it to others. It was then that Changmin started to shut down even more. He remained courteous with the many staffs who worked with them day in and day out, but kept himself at a distance. He felt a bit guilty about it and felt so incredibly awkward about the whole thing, which turned into a full-blown anxiety attack when he realized he had to trust at least some of them if he wanted to stay in this industry. He tried to warm up to the staff again but it all felt so superficial and Changmin wondered if he had lost his able to actually connect with others.  
  
The biggest abandonment of course was the other three leaving. More than that, Yunho spent most of his time out drinking with friends and hardly came home, and Changmin felt like he had lost Yunho too. They hadn’t said more than three words to each other in days and when they did talk, all they did was argue. Changmin felt like the one safe haven he had carefully selected in DBSK had disappeared.  
  
As Changmin lie awake in the nearly empty dorm, he concluded that he must just be the type of person that got left behind. He had lost more friends than he could count over the years and now this, the members who had pledged their loyalty to DBSK and each other had all left him to the wolves. Changmin wondered what was it about him that made him so easily forgotten and abandoned. Was he too introverted? Was he too quiet? Did he spend too much time working? Was he really a bad friend? Was he really just that unloveable?  
  
It was at that moment, that Changmin curled into a ball and started to cry.  
  
By the time his tears subsided to a mere sniffle, it was well after midnight. He swiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his pajamas and meant to set about falling asleep, but he was interrupted by the telephone ringing. He answered to hear Kangin’s anxious voice informing him that he was at the nearest police station with Yunho and it was best if Changmin hurried over.  
  
Changmin hurtled out of bed and pulled on the nearest street clothes he could find. He sprinted the few blocks to the station and arrived slightly out of breath to find Kangin trying to restrain a very inebriated Yunho. From the looks of it, Yunho was yelling threats at an increasingly irritated police officer. Changmin grabbed Yunho’s arm and apologized multiple times for his hyung’s bad behavior, and he and Kangin dragged Yunho out.  
  
Instead of being grateful for Changmin saving him from a potential charge and night in jail, Yunho kept trying to pull away and launched a variety of epithets in Changmin’s direction. Changmin tried his best to ignore him, reminding himself that Yunho wasn’t in his right mind. Yunho finally mounted one last verbal assault on Changmin and Kangin before bending over and throwing up the contents of his dinner onto the sidewalk.  
  
Thankfully, that appeared to calm him somewhat, allowing the other two to drag him down the street and back up to the safety of the dorms where Yunho could be drunk and embarrassing out of sight of the public. Changmin didn’t even try to clean him up. He figured Yunho could deal with that himself in the morning and instead simply helped Kangin drop him onto his bed.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Kangin said, and he looked like he meant it. He let himself out, leaving Changmin alone with Yunho.  
  
Changmin looked down at Yunho who was currently sprawled across his bed, drooling onto the sheets. He knew that he should be mad at Yunho for making a fool of himself, but it was he who felt guilty about the whole lot. If Changmin had been more supportive, maybe Yunho wouldn’t drink so much. If Changmin had been more understanding, maybe Yunho wouldn’t have to turn to others so often. If Changmin had been worth fighting for, maybe Yunho wouldn’t leave.  
  
After all, being a singer was _Yunho’s_ dream, not Changmin’s. This was what Yunho had wanted from the time he was a kid, and this was what Yunho had fought for so desperately for the past few years. Who was Changmin to be upset when Yunho was the one watching his dream go down the drain? If anyone should be hurt, it was Yunho, and Changmin couldn’t believe he had been so incredibly selfish by being hurt himself. In fact, Changmin realized that he’d been simply incorrigible the past few days: mopey and teary and inconsolable. No _wonder_ Yunho had gone out to drink: Changmin had been the epitome of selfish and unlovable, too wrapped up in his own hurt to notice his hyung begging for comfort and respite.  
  
He walked out to the hallway and stood in the doorway as he flicked off the light. In a soft voice, he said, “Hyung, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being there for you, I’m sorry for being selfish, and I’m sorry I’ve been so [unlovable](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2605268). I really am, hyung. I’ll try to be better - I promise. Just please,” he could hear his voice waver, “just please don’t leave me too.”  
  
Changmin crawled back into his own bed and cried himself to sleep, feeling worse than he had in a long time.  
  
It had taken a lot to recover from that moment. The next morning the Super Junior boys had rousted both of them out of bed to stage an intervention. Yunho had been incredibly hungover but, to Changmin’s chagrin, had remembered everything Changmin had said the night before. He had hugged Changmin for a long time, apologizing profusely and promising to be better. Changmin had done the same, and everyone else had released the collective breath they’d been holding.  
  
Kyuhyun had invited himself over in the days after that to constantly remind Changmin that it was perfectly acceptable to feel hurt in this sort of situation. “You were _hurt_ , Chwang,” he had said. “It’s okay to be hurt and feel hurt, even if your hurt is different than Yunho’s.” _  
_

***

Changmin had appreciated it then and appreciates it now. Changmin has always admired Kyuhyun’s subtle emotional intelligence that he employed to help Changmin through his various problems. It’s not that Changmin doesn’t have emotions; it’s that he doesn’t exactly know how to express them. He’ll sputter out some nonsense and somehow, Kyuhyun will be able to translate those sputters into concrete feelings and emotions.  
  
Changmin wishes Kyuhyun was here now, if only to reassure him that the thoughts in his head are a bunch of rubbish. It had taken months - years even - of Kyuhyun promising a usually somewhat tipsy, weepy Changmin that he wouldn’t abandon him before Changmin had finally started to believe it. And more importantly, it had taken years of Kyuhyun actually showing up and proving good on said promises.  
  
“He’s never abandoned you before,” he tells himself. “And he’s not abandoning you now. He’s just enlisting. Because he _has_ to. But that doesn’t mean he’s giving up your friendship.”  
  
They’re words that the irrational side of him doesn’t believe, but words that he forces himself to repeat until he’s somewhat calmed down. He wants so desperately to fully trust that the person who claims to be his best friend won’t wake up one day and decide that he’s done with their friendship, but everything from his past tells him to be cautious. Nearly everyone else has left him, and it’s just a matter of time before the few who are left in his life choose to leave too. Right?  
  
Changmin leans against the side of the bathroom stall. He wishes he could make all of the scars from past hurts disappear, leaving him free to run forward into the arms of the future. He wishes that he wasn’t so constantly burdened by the fear of being hurt so that he could give more of himself to those he loves.  
  
_Love._  
  
There’s that word again, and Changmin’s heart wrenches just a little bit. He supposes that everyone dreams of being in love at some point, but he’d mostly put those impulses in a box in the back of his head that he’d sealed shut. Yunho still talks about falling in love and getting married and starting a family but… Changmin doesn’t know if it’s in the cards for him. He hasn’t met anyone, first of all, and he’s fairly certain that the fans would not be happy about it if he did get married. He’d seen what had happened with poor Sungmin and knows that had scared most of the other boys.  
  
But there is that pesky fact that he’s the first oldest son in four generations or something and needs to carry on the family name. Damn tradition. Why couldn’t tradition account for things like “The oldest son is an idol and might not have kids?”  
  
As a kid, he’d been too shy to talk to girls, and as an adult, not terribly much had changed. The instant his brain realized that one of his female friends might be dateable, he seemed to freeze up and make an embarrassment of himself.  
  
His first dating scandal had been with Minho, who had found the entire thing incredibly funny. He’d had long hair at the time so the paparazzi had naturally assumed Changmin was out with a lady. Of course, they’d cleared up the situation quickly, but Minho had ripped the magazine page out and tacked it onto his wall.  
  
“I’m honored, hyung,” he’d said, a mixture of joking and sincerity. _  
_

***

To date, he’s really only had one real dating scandal: the spoon incident with Victoria. There had been the articles about him and Kyuhyun, but he still can’t figure out if that article had been a joke or not. His manager had almost reamed him out for the spoon incident until Changmin had explained that first, they weren’t dating, and second, if he was really supposed to check every reflective surface in any photo a friend posted of him online, he’d lose his mind.  
  
He heard the news first from Victoria’s bandmates. Amber informed him when she ran into him in the hallway and Changmin felt his ears turn red. She showed him the photo in question and he scoffed. “Really? They got it from that?”  
  
She and Krystal just shrugged.  
  
They laughed about the whole thing over drinks and hotpot with Kyuhyun. It really _was_ quite funny and there were worse people to have a scandal with. “Victoria’s alright,” Kyuhyun said, taking a swig of his beer. Changmin agreed and Victoria just laughed. She scooped some dumplings out of the steaming soup and set them on Changmin’s plate, and something in Changmin twinged. He realized that wow, Victoria really was gorgeous and funny and talented and sweet, but would they be a good match?  
  
"Maybe we _should_ go out sometime," Changmin's mouth said before his brain could stop him.  
  
Victoria stopped laughing and looked at him as if to confirm he was really serious. "Okay," she agreed. Kyuhyun raised his beer for a toast.  
  
So they did.  
  
And then they didn't.  
  
They really were not as good of a match as their fans had seemed to think. For one thing, Changmin seemed to have acquired foot-in-mouth disease overnight and couldn't seem to say anything without it sounding weird. Victoria, bless her heart, endured their entire dinner date before reaching for the check at the end. "Changmin, I really like you but, I just don't think this is going to work out."  
  
He couldn't argue and offered to split the bill with her.  
  
He wasn’t too heartbroken initially. After all, it had just been one date that they didn't see working out anyways, but later he found himself wondering if she was the one and if he missed his one shot at love and if he was really even dateable in the first place.  
  
He moped about it all for several days until finally Kyuhyun assured him that yes, he was dateable, no, he wouldn't end up alone, and yes, he was on the right path in life.  
  
“Listen,” Kyuhyun said, waving his wine glass for emphasis, “no matter what, you’ll always have me. We can be old codgers together, terrorizing the nursing homes. But if one of us does get a girlfriend, we have to make sure she has a friend.”  
  
As they got older, they started talking about girls more and more. They’d both been to more weddings than they can count, most recently Kyuhyun’s sister’s wedding. Changmin had flown back from Japan specifically for the event, and Kyuhyun’s parents had been grateful.  
  
They discussed the future a few days after the event when Kyuhyun was particularly pessimistic. Changmin knew that he wanted to fall in love so desperately, to find someone to adore who would adore him in return. Changmin understood, because even though he wouldn’t admit it, all Changmin wanted was to be _loved_ so deeply that he won’t have to worry with his constant self-maintenance and interpersonal barriers that he erected between him and every person he met. Kyuhyun knew that hiding behind those fortified walls was just a scared tender heart, desperately torn between the fear of getting hurt and the utter bliss of being known, of being accepted, and of being loved.  
  
They ended the night collapsed against each other, watching some sappy romcom that Kyuhyun pretended was Ahra’s. Kyuhyun nestled himself next to Changmin, a comfortable weight against his side, and soon they were both engrossed in the film. They fell asleep on the couch, and Changmin had to admit, it felt good to wake up to find someone still next to him.  
  
More often than not, Changmin and Kyuhyun had ended up sharing a bed any time the other slept over, even if there were plenty of other places to sleep. Changmin always needs to hold onto something while he sleeps, and even now, he’ll bunch up one of his pillows and curl up under the standard issue army blanket. Kyuhyun sleeps like a rock and will tolerate all of Changmin’s cuddling, elbowing, kicking, and mumbling. In return, Changmin can sleep through any and all of Kyuhyun’s snoring. It’s an amiable agreement.

***

Changmin wonders if Kyuhyun is able to sleep tonight. He hadn’t slept well during basic training and doesn’t imagine Kyuhyun will either. The beds are narrow and uncomfortable, and Changmin isn’t used to sharing a room with so many other guys. He supposes Kyuhyun might be more used to it. After all, how many times had he crashed in a room filled with the rest of his loud, bothersome members?  
  
Changmin also chuckles at the thought of Kyuhyun’s platoon mates being subjected to Kyuhyun’s terrible snoring their first night in the army. He remembers Kyuhyun’s texts from India about Sunggyu’s reaction to being stuck between him and Jonghyun.  
  
It’s getting late, and Changmin realizes he should probably go back to bed himself. He lets himself out of the toilet and washes his hands, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and he wonders if his skin is breaking out. He trudges back down the hall to his assigned room and slips back into bed.  
  
Kyuhyun will make it, of that he’s sure. He smiles to himself, realizing that Yunho’s optimism and Kyuhyun’s romanticism have both rubbed off on him over the years. It only makes sense, he supposes, that the two most influential people in his life have left their mark on him.  
  
One of his squad mates has left the window shades open, and Changmin gets up to close it. As he looks out at the night sky, he realizes that it’s completely dark. The moon has already set and it looks like all the stars have fallen out of the night sky. Changmin sighs and realizes that everyone seems to leave, even the moon, and all those feelings creep back into his mind. He crawls back into bed and wonders if things will ever get easier.

***

The first phone call comes weeks later. Changmin is called out from the recreation room where he and his fellow soldiers are all lounging around after drills and is ushered into a phone booth in a back hall. His heart starts pounding like mad, wondering what terrible thing happened that resulted in such a direct phone call. He puts the receiver up to his ear and says hesitantly, “Hello?”  
  
“Just so you know, I called you before I called my mom,” It’s Kyuhyun.  
  
Changmin breathes a sigh of relief and leans against the side of the phone booth for support. “Hey yourself,” he says with a chuckle as the tension inside him melts.  
  
“How are you?”  
  
“Alive, how are you?”  
  
“The same,” Kyuhyun replies. “Barely. Basic training sucks and I hate everything, but I’m surviving. You were right about the cockroaches by the way. They’re disgusting.”  
  
Changmin chuckles as he listens to Kyuhyun tell him about his adventures in basic training, the same stories Changmin had told Kyuhyun once he’d finished his three weeks. They chat comfortably for a few minutes before there’s a comfortable lull in the conversation, and Kyuhyun says, “Is it weird for me to say that just the sound of your voice eases the stress of these past few weeks?”  
  
Changmin’s heart shatters into a million pieces as he grips the phone more tightly. “No,” he replies, and he means it.  
  
“Good because I miss you more than words can fucking express,” Kyuhyun replies. “The guys on my team are nice but they’re not you.”  
  
In that moment, Changmin knows for certain that all the fears he had about Kyuhyun abandoning him were completely unfounded. As he listens to his best friend talk, he is reminded of the person who has been there through him through thick and thin, through tears and triumphs, and through everything in between. He cradles the receiver against his ear and basks in this feeling.  
  
For just a little while, it feels like they’re back in their normal lives, just two best friends chatting about the random idiosyncrasies of their day. And it’s then that Changmin knows, no matter what, Kyuhyun will always be there with him, to save him, to cheer for him, to love him, to understand him.  
  
They hang up when their allotted time runs out, and Changmin walks back to the rec room, floating on air. As they prepare their barracks for lights out that night, he peeks out the window to see the moon peeking out behind a cloud and wonders if maybe, just maybe, Kyuhyun is looking at it too.  
  
The moon may disappear for a while, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there, hidden from the earth by different circumstances. Yet the moon leaves its marks on the earth, pushing and pulling the tides even when it’s out of sight. Changmin decides that his friendship with Kyuhyun must be like that too: even when Kyuhyun’s away, he still pushes and pulls on Changmin because he’s always there, even when he’s hidden for a time.  
  
And it’s that fact that puts the stars back up in the night sky inside Changmin’s heart.  
  
_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love ;a; 
> 
> Also I hope you all realize that I will be a Complete Mess™ the day that Kyuhyun enlists.


End file.
